Why People Hate the Slanket

Blankets with sleeves.  People either love them or hate them.  I used my Slanket for the first time this morning[1] and because I was procrastinating my real writing, I Googled the several versions of blanket with sleeves out there.

  • They’re ugly/goofy-looking/not fashionable.

Okay, ya got me.  Slankets are silly-looking.   What I don’t get is why this matters.  If you are perfectly okay slobbing around the house in torn sweats, why in hell the goofiness of the slanket is enough to deter you, I don’t know.   If you’re fashionably dressed at all times and that’s a big thing to you, go buy some silk long johns for pity’s sake, and quit whining.

Now, I used to choose a lot of my clothing and footwear based on whether or not it was cute above all else, so I get that it’s an issue.  When I lived in Virginia, I would endure cold, wet feet rather than wear ugly shoes that kept my feet warm and dry.

One winter in New England cured that forever.  If you’re more concerned with cute than warm, you just haven’t gotten cold enough yet.  The slanket is for when you’re at home and working on something sedentary, not for when you’re socializing!

  • They’re dangerous.

People talk about fire hazards from candles and fireplaces, or wearing them while cooking.

Ummm… Idiots, don’t you remember your Girl Scout fire safety training?  Anyone who cooks with loose, flowing sleeves deserves a good burn.  Do an image search for chefs cooking.  Many of them have their close-fitted sleeves rolled up to mid-forearm. There’s a reason for that.

Of course loose and flowing is a bad combination for fire.   If you have a fire going, take off the Slanket to tend to it.  What are you, stupid?[2]

  • They’re inconvenient.

These things aren’t meant for when you’re up and down all the time.    They’re meant for when you’re sitting still and doing something with your hands.  I’m wearing one right now while I’m writing this article.  When I get up to get more coffee, I take it off to go get the coffee.   I expose the delicate flesh of my hiney to the cold air of the bathroom for the few seconds it takes to go pee, too.  Some people just seem to want to take things too far.

  • They’re a cock-block[3].

If “I’m cold” is the excuse you’re getting for not having sex, you and your partner need to start being more honest in your communication.    Sex warms you up.  It ain’t that she doesn’t want to get cold, so she won’t leave the blanket with sleeves.  It’s that she doesn’t want to have sex with you.  Don’t blame the blanket.

Of course, there’s no law that says you have to love a Slanket, but it is a decent tool for staying warm for a writer who’d just as soon not turn on the heat for awhile.  Most of the posts you’ll see for the next few months will be written from underneath one.

[1] I have this thing where I try to avoid turning on the heat before November 1.  It got down to 27 last night, and the house was 60F when I got up.  If I’m going to be sitting still, I need a little warmth, ‘kay?

[2] Yes, I know there’s a Snuggie commercial showing people around a fire roasting marshmallows. Don’t do that.  It is dangerous and stupid.

[3] Yes, some yutz really asserted this.

3 Replies to “Why People Hate the Slanket”

  1. 1. I don’t think it looks bad at all…in fact, it looks rather cute on you. Not something for everyday practical wear, but for what you’re doing, it looks just perfect.

    2. Agreed…anyone who is stupid enough to wear that thing around a hot stove or heave machinery totally deserves what they get.

    3. As for the “yutz” who wrote the cock-block thing…anyone who would take any part of that article seriously, is a serious yutz themselves; something so obviously written for humor.

    BTW, not sure why you didn’t leave comments open on LJ for that.

  2. Well, he could always try reading The Snuggie Sutra, but I think his mind is made up (and you’re right, she just doesn’t want any from him).

    Katie is ALWAYS cold, all year round, so I’ve tried to get her interested in a Snuggie, but she insists that she finds them hideous. I’m considering getting one for ME for next winter, and seeing if she doesn’t steal it (because all things that belong to Mommy are better anyway – yes, even though she’s 20 years old now).

  3. Snuggies are cool, too. But if you can afford the higher price, I have to recommend the Slanket. They’re much larger and the polarfleece quality is higher.

    I recognize that sometimes price drives it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.