NoelFigart – Page 61 – Noel Lynne Figart

January 17, 2006

Pink Collar

If you’re reading this, you’re online. Go your favorite search engine and enter “pink collar”. You’ll get a definition along the lines of “Pertaining to the type of jobs, such as telephone operator or secretary, traditionally held by women.”

The expression is supposed to be analogous to “white collar” or “blue collar” jobs – designating a certain level of social status.

If you look a little further, you’ll get a plethora of articles and books with really positive titles like Beyond the Pink Collar. Now, I recognize that if I do a search on titles such as “administrative assistant” or “secretary”, I’ll get something a little more respectful.

But there is this general attitude that it’s somehow “unworthy” work to be a secretary, and if you’re intelligent, you should be moving up and on to other things more worthy of your time. Frankly, it’s started to get under my fingernails, which I do not file at my desk, thank you very much.

I’m the most fortunate of Administrative Assistants, and I know it. I have a pleasant environment in which to work, 95% of the time I am respected and appreciated, I can wear whatever the hell I want and I am paid well for my position. I know quite well that I’m lucky. I’ve worked other jobs where the attitude to me was horrid. That other 5% of the time reminds me of the general world attitude, and I don’t really get it from my co-workers but people outside my department.

You know what? It’s the feminists that make it worst. You see, the two jobs I like best and am most suited for, apart from writing, are secretary (or administrative assistant or whatever you want to call it), and homemaker. I have a managing temperament, I like to make things work smoothly, and I really do like being helpful. Yes, yes, yes, my IQ is as high or higher than my co-workers – people who have advanced degrees. (I work in a college). Yes, I am well-read and there’s not much they talk about that is over my head. (I confess to a complete ignorance of and lack of interest in French Surrealism). Other than for chasing money – something I only have limited interest in once bills are paid, I have no real reason to want to climb the career ladder. I like where I am. I hate the assumption that I have any need or desire to fight for social status or money, and I resent the idea that I am somehow “settling” or “letting the side down” if I make “traditionally female” choices.

What it really boils down to, I think, is a certain cultural attitude that one should want to climb the socio-economic ladder and if you do not, there is something wrong with you. I’ve lived all my life with people who have made career their focus. I can think of two for whom it is a joyful passion, and yes, they are both tops in their fields. They get respected. The thing is, I also like what I do, though maybe not with the intensity of the aforementioned gentlemen. But I do like my job far better than most of my co-workers. It would take a lot of money to move my ass from the chair I am in, and even then, I would approach the move with some trepidation. I can think of moves up that would be more or less what I am doing now, sure. After all, the old saw about executives doing more or less the same work as the average secretary has a lot of truth in it. And if offered such a job, I would take it and enjoy it.

But if the executive is respected for doing a job, then shouldn’t the poor little pink collar lady be respected for doing similar work? And shouldn’t the feminists writing those books like Beyond the Pink Collar be respectful, too? Don’t they realize that an admin did a lot of work to get the thing out?

August 28, 2005

Moving Tips

I do not consider myself an expert mover. I did not grow up with a parent in the military, nor was I in the military myself. However, I’ve moved six times now since I was 21 under a variety of conditions — having a leisurely month to pack, finding out a house has been sold out from underneath us and we had to move immediately, combining a three person household into a six person household, having to move 8 months pregnant, finding the right house on a whim and having to move in two weeks, moving 500 miles, moving seven blocks….

I find these damned moving advice sites to be worse than useless. I have not once used professional movers, and have bought at the most six specialty boxes for odd items. I do not buy enough boxes to move. I cannot think of a more useless expense except under the most unique of circumstances.

While I do not color code boxes, yes, the advice on making it very clear what box goes where is only smart. However, that seems a little obvious to me. If you’ve enlisted some husky friends, and are feeding them beer as a bribe, ya need to make things short and obvious.

Another thing on the blisteringly obvious list — loading the truck so that things that need to be unpacked right away are the first things to leave the truck. Oh and that thing about not loading a box to weigh more than fifty pounds? Again this falls into the “no shit” category. A big, strong guy can lift fifty pounds and carry it (hell, so can I), but if you’ve got a copier paper box, don’t load it up heavier than the eight reams of copy paper that is supposed to go into it. The box is only designed to take that much weight. Filling a banana box full of textbooks is mean to the people helping with your moving, even if they can lift it.

The thing about having services switched on before you get there? Again, DUH! I don’t know about you, but I do not want to live out of a cooler for longer than I have to and battery powered lamps just ain’t gonna cut it for light when you’re unpacking after dinner. (If you’re moving a fridge, you might have to for a day or two. You do want to make sure the confounded thing is clean before you move it).

It’s the esoteric stuff that’s more useful. Things like —

Dust the damned bookshelves and other display cases before you move ’em.
If you’re moving an item with drawers, tape or tie the drawers shut or remove them entirely.
For a short distance move, it is perfectly okay to move clothing in the drawers.
If there’s something you haven’t touched since you moved moved to your new place and you’ve been there more than three years, just get rid of it. That goes double for anything still in a sealed moving box from the last move.
Don’t move any clothing that doesn’t fit. It ain’t worth it.
Those ugly afghans and ratty towels you’ve got stuffed into the back of your linen closet make great packing material for things like glass fronted picture frames.
Paper plates, napkins and plastic cutlery can be your friend. You can make perfectly healthy quick meals of subs and sandwiches loaded with veggies.
If you clean your trashcans, you can use them as moving containers for things that are not easily breakable.
Have your toolbox be one of the things you pack last and unload first, you’re going to need it.
Hiring someone to move just your piano is probably a good idea
Clean out deep storage, and cabinets first. It will give you a clearer idea of how much there is to move, and will ease making a packing timetable.
Do make a packing timetable. If you don’t pace yourself, you’re going to make yourself sick.
Take breaks. If you have to, use a timer. Work for 45 minutes, and then take a fifteen minute break. Drink a big glass of water. (Yes, FlyLady is right about this, and trust me, you’ll be able to get stuff done faster than if you drive yourself nuts with no break and working until one in the morning).
Get as much sleep as you can. If you have down time where you’re gonna be waiting, a nap is not a bad thing. It doesn’t make you a slacker. It makes you more efficient. Power naps really do help.
If you have any sort of reaction to dust, make sure you have a non-drowsy antihistamine on hand.
Be meticulous about taking your vitamins. Same goes for your meds.
Check expiration dates on boxed and canned food. Don’t move anything that’s expired.
Spices don’t have a shelf life of more than a couple of years (less if you’re a foodie). Toss, toss, toss.
Things that might leak can be contained in ziplock bags. Make doubly sure that they are sealed well.
For your tupperware, no liddie, no movie. Toss ’em. Do the same with those fifty margarine and cool whip containers.
FlyLady’s concept of an office inna bag is a good one when you’re moving and might lose needed paperwork. (I have a zippered notebook with some plastic folders inside and pockets for pens and stuff).
When I am doing tedious, repetitive work, I like to listen to music or audiobooks. It makes the time go faster, and I am less likely to procrastinate on what needs to be done. (Harry Potter books have been my friend lately).
Force yourself to have a time to stop work in the evening and do something that will relax you. You do need your sleep and if you go hammer and tongs at this, you’re going to be too spun up to sleep well. Did I mention you will need your sleep?
Accept offers of help.

This is the kind of thing I find more useful than color coded boxes!

May 2, 2005

D'Une Certaine Age

I’m 36 and am rapidly approaching that stage in life where I can be une femme d’une certaine age. I’m looking forward to it.

Oh sure, we live in a culture that worships youth –and young was good. I liked the fact my breasts didn’t sag, that I had that smooth, soft skin. I liked the energy of youth and the lack of stretch marks on my belly. The wide open possibilities were fun and exciting. The lack of responsibilities that made it easier to concentrate on my obsessions. It was good. I won’t claim that I did not enjoy those advantages. I mourn them some.

But only some.

You see, at a certain age, your directness stops being offensive and personal power is accepted. You stop being a domineering bitch, and become a force to be respected. The elegant manicure stops looking vain and and the good jewelry no longer seems pretentious – like a girl playing dress-up. An understated style stops looking plain and starts looking elegant. A lifted eyebrow and smile can speak volumes that are actually listened to.

Those possibilities of youth become more real. You have the resources to accomplish them. You have more shading to your life, perspective and a latticework of structure from which to view and create your world. Life has almost certainly knocked you to the ground at least once, and you know in your bones that it doesn’t matter, because you know you can get back up every time. “Ma’am” becomes a badge of honor rather than a jab that tells you that you’re getting old.

You’re less patient with nonsense, more compassionate with real trouble. You have the wisdom to know the difference. You’re not so easily suckered by a sob story and you have the resources to help out when you really can make a difference.

There’s a balance that you get when you’re of a certain age, and it’s fun. You understand the ebb and flow of life better and don’t take everything so damned seriously. You understand that the cup of coffee after the hard labor is important – that the job is not really done until you’ve relaxed and enjoyed yourself after the labors. You understand that the silk scarf is just as important as the good kitchen knife, that life is too short for bad chocolate and that the youthful energy out there with the youngsters playing in the grass is as much for you to savor as for them.

April 15, 2005

Coping with Adult ADD

Dealing With ADD You’ve got a friend or a co-worker. Sometimes this person amazes you with the concentration he pours into his work, producing prodigious amounts of material with seeming ease and fluency.

But…

He might be late a lot.

He nearly always forgets details. If you ask him to bring wine, salad dressing and croûtons to a gathering, chances are good that you’re going to be croutonless that evening – though the wine will probably be of some special vintage and he’ll entertain you with a story about it.

If he has a task to do – like mailing checks… Don’t count on him to do it. He might get them out on time, but if you’re out of stamps, he’ll know he cannot do the task until he gets stamps. He’ll either forget the stamps or forget to mail the checks AFTER he gets the stamps.

When you talk to him, chances are good that he’s jiggling his leg or playing with the change in his pocket or doodling. You wish he’d stop that crap and just PAY ATTENTION. Screw what’s on the damned radio, and LISTEN TO ME! You might often want to shout.

If you are dealing with someone with Attention Deficit Disorder, chances are good you are going to want to choke that person. It’s a pain in the butt to deal with, no question.

The thing is, it’s not hopeless. Really, it isn’t. It’s just that the person with ADD needs to be able to cope. Here’s some things to keep in mind:

Ohhhhhh SHINY!The person who has ADD can make his natural tendencies work FOR him. I use a PDA with an audible beep to remind me when I need to do things. I make extensive use of color coding to get things done at work, as well. Make the “oooh! SHINY!” response work for you. You can only blow off a reminder if you’re giving first aid! You’re allowed to reschedule, if you absolutely cannot do something at that moment, but do not refrain from taking action on your reminder.
Eliminate clutter as best you can.ADDers are not known for being very orderly. Don’t beat yourself up about it, but on the other hand, do eliminate clutter. The very last thing you want are distractions from what you are supposed to be doing.
Timers are Your FriendHonest to goodness, no kidding, I schedule my day in 15 minute blocks. I do not even TRY to work on a project for more than 15 minutes at a time without taking a break. Because of my hyperfocus abilities, I can get a LOT done in those 15 minutes, so I make the most of them. By then, my brain does need a context switch, but that’s okay.
LJ, Email and Chat Notifcations are Spawns of the Devil Don’t leave them running when you are trying to concentrate. Turn them off during scheduled task periods.
Schedule playtime. Allow yourself time for breaks, where you can have unrestricted fun with ferret shock. Your brain actually needs it. You can run your email and chat notifications then. Enjoy!
Screw verbal instructionsADDers suck at verbal instructions. I mean, REALLY suck. Badly. If you have to give them, let the ADDer take notes. If you can, give written ones. My own family indulges me by sending me emails about things and lets me copy them into my PDA. This really works wonders.
I work in a fairly laid back office as a secretary, where email is the backbone of communication. I discovered that the people who sent me emails for task requests where the ones who got the most attention. I finally had to break down and explain to people who made requests of me verbally that I was not being inattentive by taking notes, but was actually doing my best to be as attentive and cooperative as possible.

November 15, 2004

Depressed? Employed? You Can Cope

You feel as if you’re wading through molasses, you find it difficult to make a decision and your ability to concentrate is shot. Yep, you’re feeling depressed.

This could happen for any of a number of reasons. In today’s economic climate, it is not unusual to feel pressured about money and work. This can be a vicious circle. You feel insecure about your job, you get depressed and you find it harder to be an effective employee.

Employers today are aware of this problem. They see the loss of productivity and the absenteeism. Here’s the lucky thing for you: The hiring process is an expensive one, and employee retention is actually very much a cost saving strategy. Employers do not like high turnover if they can avoid it. Since you want to do a good job and keep your job, what’s the conscientious worker to do? First things first. Get help. Do something.

Most large companies have an employee assistance program. This is a program specifically designed to help employees experiencing problems in their personal lives that might be affecting their jobs. These programs are strictly confidential, and will not reflect negatively on one’s career.

Getting help is completely crucial. According to Dr. Maynard Brusman, a consulting psychologist with over 20 years’ experience in the employment psychology field, doing nothing is dangerous. The more you do nothing, the more likely you are to believe that you cannot do anything. After a time, you can fall into a pattern of learned helplessness, believing that if you have done nothing that there is nothing you can do. Nothing could be further from the truth.

What can you do for yourself? I mean, even if you go to a counselor, that’s only an hour a week. So, what can you do?

One of the very best things you can do is get some exercise. Don’t be annoyed because this is being thrown at you all the time! It’s thrown at you all the time because it is true. The human body is made to move, not sit behind a desk. You genuinely need the chemicals your body produces in exercise.

Exercise does not mean a red-line workout that makes you feel like you are going to throw up. No, no, no. Going for a nice walk counts here. Get the heart rate up a little for 1/2 an hour or so –maybe break out in a sweat, but even that is not necessary. You just want to make sure you move. Even if you are in poor shape, just go walk slowly for a little while each day. You will receive emotional as well as physical benefits.

The reason “go out for a walk” is so often touted as a Good Thing to Do is twofold. There’s the exercise component that gives you a stronger body and floods you with mood enhancing chemicals, but there is the additional benefit of sunlight. Sunlight is also a proven mood enhancer. People who work in climate controlled buildings with no windows are going to be more susceptible to mood disorders related to light deprivation. It is especially crucial for those of you with such issues to Get Outside on occasion, and a walk will do that for you.

Keeping company with positive, upbeat people is also a good idea when you are feeling depressed. You might feel like hiding from the world, but sometimes getting by yourself and stewing is only going to reinforce negative thought patterns. Feed your mind with positive things. Play upbeat music. Wear colors that encourage a brighter mood. Focus on activities that give pleasure.

Eating right is also important when you’re suffering from depression. Stress takes its toll on the body, and doing what you can to keep your body healthy will make it easier to cope. Do your best to eat a good, balanced diet – especially making sure you get enough of the B vitamins. These vitamins are useful in combating stress and elevating mood. Foods high in B vitamins include dried beans, whole grains, fish, dairy products, poultry, eggs, bananas and avocados. Remember that peanut butter and banana sandwich you ate as a child? When you make it, be sure to use natural peanut butter on whole wheat bread and you have yourself some real, healthy comfort food that is high in B vitamins and will help you to cope with depression.

What do you do if your work performance is suffering? That certainly can and does happen when you’re having a problem with depression at work. One of the most important things to do is to lay out a plan. Break tasks into small, manageable units -say fifteen minutes. Even when you’re down in the dumps, you can file for fifteen minutes, or read a report for fifteen minutes, then take a break and make some notes. This helps to keep you in control and helps to prevent procrastination, a serious problem in a depressed employee.

Some workers use calendaring programs or timers to break up their day and their tasks. This not only keeps you focused on the tasks at hand, but can be a distraction from negative feelings. The one caution here is that you do not overwhelm yourself in a situation where you might already feel overwhelm. Schedule breaks for yourself and be realistic about what you can accomplish. The whole point of breaking down tasks into small segments is to prevent being overwhelmed. Donit cram your calendar so full that it is impossible to get anything done. This will contribute to negative feelings rather than alleviate it. Prioritizing is essential.

I keep a list of “I don’t feel like it” tasks -little, quick things that do need to be done and can be handled easily. When I am feeling a bit stressed out or unable to cope, I do one of these little tasks. Being able to cross something off my to-do list tends to restore my faith in my ability to cope. Any little ten-minute thing that does not take a lot of brainpower but has a small positive effect is a good thing. For myself, organizing something tends to improve my mood. I’ll clean my desk, or straighten one small file drawer. This is a fairly individual thing. The only real rule is to make sure that it is one small thing, and that it is not something urgent or something that causes you stress or pressure. It’s important to make the list beforehand. Then, when you’re feeling depressed and find thinking difficult, you have a plan.

Talk to your employer about accommodation that will help you in your depression issues. It is possible that she will be sympathetic. Employers prefer employees who are proactive, so taking steps to solve your problems reflects positively on you.

Amy, a bookkeeper in a music store, is being treated for depression and is on a medication. Her employer knows that Amy has a problem with depression and is willing to work with her -giving her flexibility in hours and is willing to keep lines of communication open.

The unfortunate truth is that an employer is not always so accommodating. Julian, a former employee at a health food store, had this to say:

At my place of employment, there were perfectly pleased to have an employee in the herbs and supplements department who could speak from experience on the various remedies for anxiety and depression, and they were perfectly willing to encourage the product reps to give me freebies, but when it came to actually working with me to let me have a schedule that would allow me to spend a reasonable amount of time with my family – forget it.

What do you do in this situation?

Remember the problem with learned helplessness. Don’t fall into that. Taking proactive action is crucial to your personal health as well as your career. Julian’s choice was to get training to become a baker – a job that has a schedule that gave her time with her family. She also sought out a position in which she was able to have a wider range of choice in her own work and minimal customer contact. Both Amy and Julian had different work situations and different methods for coping with the problem. This is often an individual and subjective thing, which is one of the reasons that getting help is a good idea. A good therapist will help you tailor your solutions to your own individual needs. While depression is a difficult problem, it is not a hopeless situation. As always, taking care of yourself is the key. If you cannot handle the big stuff, take little positive actions. They will have a net effect. But whatever you do, try to keep going.

May 15, 2004

Call to Baubo

My mother, her sisters, my grandmother and her sisters were and are pagan priestesses, but they’re not entirely aware of their role in life.

Specifically, they’re priestesses of Baubo — a crone Goddess dealing with life, death, fertility, and most importantly, female obscenity of the most joyful sort.

From early childhood, I knew the invocation of Baubo, though I did not know the significance of what I heard as I snuck around the corner to eavesdrop on the ritual.

A proper ceremony honoring the little Goddess involves chocolate and cookies and cake and snacks of the salty sort and wine and coffee and tea and sodas and candy. These goodies must be hand made and passed around and exclaimed over.

First, you would hear the high priestess’s voice, normally deep and roughened from years of smoking unfiltered cigarettes rise in pitch as she cried, “oooOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH MY GAWWWWWD!” as she bent forward slapping her hands on her thighs. The other priestesses would answer in a cackling laugh and the ritual would begin. Any men, upon hearing the Call to Baubo, would flee to the garage, or a workshop or to discuss a new car.

A Baubo ritual would always involve a discussion of men and children — always in the most humorous way possible. It was the responsibility of every priestess to make the others laugh, right down from the belly, until the tears flowed and the sides ached. Obscenity was important, as this was a fertility ritual at its core.

When a daughter of the family reached menarche, she was admitted as an acolyte priestess. It was her responsibility to fetch drinks, sample ALL the snacks and pronounce judgment over which were the best. It was also important that she learn to blush deeply as the ritual grew louder, the cackles rose higher and the humor more shocking. (For all priestesses of Baubo in my family pretended not to HAVE a sexuality until this time. Otherwise, it would spoil the initiation of the new acolytes).

In the cult of Baubo where I was initiated, priestesshood was given when one married and was allowed to join in the obscenity. But, there was one more step in this initiation. One more honor to bestow.

To be a full priestess, one had to have a child. Then, and only then, could one truly make the Call to Baubo and invoke the sacred ceremony.

For many years, we used to have a gathering, called “Sister’s Day”. We would meet once a month to invoke the Goddess, and drink our wine, eat our chocolate and lambaste our men.

I wonder if any of them ever realized that Sister’s Day was a Goddess invocation and how sacred it really was.

October 15, 2003

Slow Burn Fitness

I don’t know about you, but when I see pictures of these thin little things in spandex jumping around on magazine covers, it drives me crazy. I’m 5’2″, weigh 219.5 (– as of Oct 2003. I’ve been losing weight), and I am not in good shape from a workout point of view.

I also hate to hurt when I exercise.

Not only that, but there’s this cultural sense of guilt we have in not being perfectly fit, as if we’re committing a sin somehow. Makes you feel like garbage about yourself after awhile. Me? I say that the guilt is completely unnecessary, even if I do want to be healthy. I’m not a bad person because I am short and fat. I won’t be a better person when I am short and in shape. As I often tell people who compliment me on my weight loss, and say, “You must feel so much better about yourself.”, no, I don’t feel better about myself. It’s just possible to run up the stairs.

So, if you’re overweight and take a cab if you have to go more than a few blocks, what the heck do you do? What if walking a mile is quite frankly out of the question? What if that “gentle half an hour walk” you’re supposed to take every day is really too much?

Stop feeling guilty about it, for one! You can start small and create an enormous snowball effect in your fitness. Put on clothes and comfortable shoes. Pick a direction. Walk as quickly as is comfortable for you for five minutes. Come back at the same pace.

Forget about it until the next day. The next day, do the same thing.

When you’ve done it seven times, walk five and a half minutes instead of five before turning around.

Do that seven days in a row. Then walk six minutes.

Oh, sure, it’ll take you about four and a half months to get to your target of walking a half an hour a day. So what? Do you perhaps have a deadline? Are you going somewhere? You know that exercise is good for you. Chances are good that you’re not doing it because it hurts. It might be that your fitness level is pretty low. Hey, I’ve been there. I feel for you, because it really does stink to feel like that. I know what it is to want to get in shape, get in shape now, then push myself too hard, get injured and quit.

I don’t do that any more. That’s how I got to weigh 245 pounds and exhausted myself. I felt at all times more or less the way I feel now when I am just recovering from the flu or something. Yeah, that’s right, I felt slightly ill at all times.

As of this writing, I walk a good brisk 20 minutes a day. I get my heart rate up to 21-22 beats in ten seconds, which is about 70% of my maximum and a good conditioning rate. (You should be very careful to find YOUR correct target heart rate, as this is fairly individual).

I can hear you saying, “But what if It’s nasty weather out there. I can’t go out in the rain! It’s cold, It’s yucky! Gray days depress me too much to do that!”

Get outside anyway. I’m serious. I grew up near Washington DC, which has abominable weather for a good portion of the winter–gray, yucky, dreary, you name it. You know what, that ickiness you feel from lack of light will actually be alleviated a bit if you get outside. No kidding. Even on a yucky gray day, thereis a lot more good sunshine for you to absorb than there would be in your living room or in your office. I now live in Vermont and work in New Hampshire. You want yucky weather? Try our winters. Falls are gray and rainy and days are about an hour shorter in the dead of winter than where I grew up. Believe me, the people who thrive up here learn to put on the boots and the polar fleece and get their butts outside into the sunlight while we have it!

If it’s the chilly damp that is kicking up your arthritis? Again, I genuinely feel for you. I have it, too, and have since I was twelve. Yeah, yeah, losing weight is supposed to help, but darn it, I hurt even when I weighed 117 pounds, ya know?

Exercise is actually good for arthritis, too. No, don’t go jogging. That’s too hard on your joints. But walking at a pace that gets the blood pumping a little bit (a LITTLE bit!) is going to help. You need strong muscles and to increase your bone density more than most, if you have this. Get out there and walk. I promise you that if you start really small and stick with it while gently increasing your time, you will feel better. If walking five minutes makes you hurt too much, start with four and a half, or three and a half or even two! you’re not going anywhere, so It’s a good idea to try. Your body will thank you and you’ll be around a lot longer.

Now, cardio is all well and good, and I get a bit of it every day. But what about other things? Strength training is vitally important, especially if you are or have been quite out of shape. Your muscles are working harder than most peopleis are. Think about it a minute — if you’re carrying 100 pounds of adipose tissue (I was), it would be as if someone else were carrying a 100 pound backpack. You need to be stronger so you won’t be so darned tired! (Yeah, yeah, ideally you should lose the weight. Ya think if you do all this you’re not going to lose a little adipose tissue and put on some muscle?)

Fortunately, walking is a weight bearing exercise — great for your behind, your thighs, your calves and you ankles. So what about the upper body?

Pushups. Okay, let’s be realistic here. Chances are slim that you’re going to be able to drop and give anyone one, much less twenty! that’s okay. Can you lean against a wall with your hands at pushup height and pump out a few? Betcha can. If you’re strong enough to be able to do more than twenty this way, you do need something more challenging to get the upper body strength going. Forget those silly “girl” pushups, with your knees on the floor. that’s not really going to build muscle. Instead, once you’ve gotten to the point where wall pushups are too easy, do them against your kitchen counter. When that gets too easy, drop the elevation again to a very sturdy table. After that, drop it to a chair and so on until you hit the floor and are doing pushups the old fashioned Marine way. Your upper body will love you for this. I have found that as I have put on muscle that the daily tasks of life are simply less fatiguing. Obviously, at a desk job, I don’t do a lot of heavy lifting, but yes, I do have to lift a big carton of copier paper every now and then. I have a family of six, so the weight involved in lifting groceries is certainly a non-trivial issue. While I certainly do like looking good, for me the primary motivator is that when I am physically strong, it is less likely for me to get overwhelmed by the daily things I have to do.

While you’re working on this, you might also want to work on your abdominal strength. Once you get to that full-fledged pushup, you’ll notice it works your abs, too. Building ab strength is insanely easy. Lay on the floor. Now, see how much of your body you can lift off the floor without using your hands. Didja get your head up? Good. What about your shoulders? Great. Whatever you can do, try to do it five times. Was that easy? Do more. Did that hurt? Do enough until you can feel it, but not enough for it to be painful. Now, every ten days, increase the reps by one. you’ll be pumping out crunches before you know it. In reading accounts of athletes, the ones I admire the most (gymnasts, martial artists, yogis and dancers) all say that trunk strength is crucial to overall condition. I used to trivialize this concept until I had been working out several months. But then I noticed that as I was able to increase the amount of crunches I was doing, the more stable I was in other workouts. I have a desk job, but do not experience that bane of seated professions — back pain. While yes, back pain has many causes, strong supporting abs go a long way to reducing potential problems. My skinny husband, who is an artist and spends many hours at a drafting table notices that if he does not do his crunches, he will get a horrid backache after a few hours of work. Just remember to work up to increased repetitions on this. You do not want to hurt yourself. And also remember, whatever you can do today is okay. You’ll be doing more next month, and a year from now, if you keep this up, you’ll look back on your progress and be amazed. But if you push too hard, feel bad about yourself or punish your body in the process, you’re going to be stuck where you are. don’t do that to yourself. Really. you’re okay where you are right now.

Okay, so we’ve got our strength and we’ve got our cardio. One more thing: flexibility.

No, stop groaning. Stretching is a sensual delight when you do it right. Stop looking at me like that. I’m serious.

Remember, this is not supposed to hurt. If you stretch until it is painful, you’re damaging muscle and tendons. We’re trying to be good to our nice bodies that carry us around and do so much. No punishing, please.

Confession time: I am fairly flexible for a woman of my age, medical condition and weight. I studied things that require a lot of stretching all my childhood n ballet, martial arts, that sort of thing. If I am describing things that make you laugh at me or wince in pain, remember that the point here is not to become a contortionist. The point is to remain mobile. It is not a contest and your present fitness level is okay. It’s where you are and what you have to work with, and you’re fine person just the way you are. You get fit to feel better, not to be better.

So. First things first. Can you touch your toes? No? that’s okay. My skinny husband who finds a two-mile run a pleasant outing cannot, either. When you get up in the morning, reach up and try to touch the ceiling, then lean back as far as you can comfortably. Then lean over and try to touch your toes until you feel a pleasant pull. PLEASANT PULL not PAIN. No pain, no pain. You do not want to tear anything. Hold it at that nice pulling feeling for about ten seconds, then rest for a few breaths then try it again. Then forget about it until tomorrow morning. Keep doing that until you can touch your toes. This may take awhile, and that’s fine!

I do a yoga exercise (yogis call it an asana) called the Sun Salutation several times every morning. It stretches and limbers your whole body and feels oh so good–especially if I do it after a hot shower, so that all my muscles are warm and relaxed. If you’re limber enough to do this, great, but don’t sweat it if you’re not. The point here is to build fitness, not beat yourself up about your present state of fitness.

However, if yoga isn’t your thing, there are lots of other things you can do to make building flexibility fun. Another thing I really enjoy doing is putting on some sexy, groovy music and just stretching out. (Little Red Corvette is a favorite “stretching” tune of mine). Start slowly with this and always move slowly. No bouncing. Bouncing is bad and evil and a quick route to a torn muscle. Be nice to your body and don’t do that.

Start standing up with your feet together. Reach your hands up as far as they will go. Keeping the back straight and bending from the waist, slowly lean over as far as you can until you feel a nice pull all along the backs of your legs. If you hurt doing this, you’re pushing to hard, so ease up. Do this a few times, then move your feet about twice shoulder width apart (don’t lock your knees. Keep them an itty bitty bit bent!), and reach your hands up as far as they will go again. Lean over as far as you can with your back straight. Come up, then lock your fingers and lean to the side as far as you can, being sure to keep your torso and legs on the same plane. Then go to the other side. Do this until you feel a nice pulling stretch. Then lean to the front and try to put your hands on the floor. If you can ease yourself to the floor without moving your legs, great. If not, don’t sweat it and just sit down and part your legs in as wide a V as you can manage. Reach up again, and try to grab your foot and put your chest on your thigh. If you can do that, you limber thing you (I can, but it’s only because of my far too generous cup size), try to put your forehead on your shin. Hold that for a few breaths, then move to the other leg and do the same thing. Then lean over as far as you can to the center. Aim to keep your back straight and put your chest on the floor. I never could do this, by the way, even after ten years of dance classes, but aiming for it is good because it helps you maintain proper form.

The key to this entire article is to start small and have a plan for building a little bit at regular intervals. My own personal fitness goal is do be able to do 100 pushups. I am not yet to the point where I can do 20 proper pushups on the floor. I started at wall ups, am now doing 20 pushups with my hand elevated on a seven inch step, and am probably about eight or nine months away from my goal. I know that if I keep going Iill probably be on the floor in a week, and will be able to increase my reps every couple of weeks. But I look back on my progress and am glad I started very small and carefully.

I am hoping that those of you who have a long way to go will look back in a year and be amazed at what those little steps to fitness can do for you.

May 15, 1999

The Ten Commandments for Making Garb

Thou shalt always measure twice and cut once.
Thou shalt, when measuring for a bodice, remember that while the bodicegasm is a great Pleasure, thou art vulnerable to Rogues if thou faintest at Faire.
Thou shalt wear thy home-made garb with Great Pride, for thou art learning a new skill
Thou shalt not, if thou be a skilled tailor, call out the pattern names and numbers of costumes thou recognizest in Faire from the Big Three of Pattern Companies. Though shalt, instead, remember humbly the countless hours THOU spent using language Naughty in My Sight whilst trying to adapt or draft patterns when thou hadst but the skill of a small rodent on acid.
Thou shalt not sneer at materialism when thou wearest Boots that cost thee more than thou wouldst spend on thy sofa or bed. (If thou sleepest on the sofa because thou cannot buy a bed, thou hadst even less room to talk).
Thou shalt not refer to visible tights on a woman as “period” for late Tudor or Elizabethan garb. Thou shalt merely enjoy the scandalous sight. (We know thou art contemplating invisible tights and We are ashamed of thy lechery).
Thou shalt always buy more thread than thou thinkest thou needs. Fabric stores will ignore thy pleas to open at two in the morning so that thou may complete garb thou shouldst have completed three weeks ago whilst thou wast wasting time in a flame war on the Internet.
Thou shalt always use a new Needle appropriate to the weight of the fabric n for needles cost thee little and when thou hast used a needle for canvas on thy chemise, thou shalt feel a draft.
Thou shalt not make garb carelessly when thou intendest to wear it “only one season”. It shall fall apart thy third wearing, causing thee to use language that thy four year old shall repeat from the top of the diving board at thy family reunion picnic, causing thy Aunt Reetzie to have a Stroke. When thy Aunt Reetzie recovers, she shall Strike thee from her will, thus leaving her worldly goods to thine older brother who shall Waste his inheritance by investing in the Stock Market rather than spending it sensibly on a new pair of custom boots.
Thou shalt not covet thy sister wench’s rose. Thou shalt, too, receive one in time.